Eli is 7 weeks old. Where did this time go? Is this how it will be for the rest of my life? Am I going to constantly look at Milan and wonder where time has gone? I hate the feeling of wanting life to slow down. There are days when I look at the clock and wonder how can it be 5:00pm and I am still wearing my robe.
One thing they don't teach you in birth class is what to expect when you get home. No one tells you that you are going to sit in your rocking chair staring at your baby for hours only to look down and see your entire robe is soaking wet from tears of joy. No one tells you you are going to replay his birth 100 times a day trying to figure out if it really happened. No one tells you you are going to be hungry 24/7 and eat everything in sight because you are nursing your baby. No one tells you that there is not a right and wrong way to do things. I want there to be a how to manual for babies and yet I somehow manage to work things out on my own. No one tells you that you fall in love with your husband all over again. No one tells you that you will cry for no reason at all or for every reason imaginable. No one tells you that you will lie awake at night staring at your baby even though you are dead tired. No one tells you that you can live on 3 hours or less of sleep and still wake up smiling. The one thing people do tell you is that a baby will change your life forever.
Our lives have changed so much over the past 7 weeks. Both of us have had to learn to slow down. You don't realize how you are always in a hurry until a baby comes along. Now I have to pack the diaper bag, put him in his car seat, bring everything out to the car, get in the car, get to the store, take everything out of the car, shop, get back in the car, squeeze in a feeding and a diaper change, drive home, and do it all over again. There are no more quick trips to the store. I am slowly learning to love the pace and not worry about how long it is taking to accomplish things. Milan is learning to come home from work and put his computer down. He is learning how to sit in a quiet room with the baby and just "be". He is learning to be patient. It is amazing with all the small stresses of our new life that we both manage to walk around humming nursery rhymes while smiling at Eli all the time. We so often glance over at each other and exchange warm smiles knowing the other person is thinking and feeling the same things. We are in such awe of this new little person and so amazed that he is ours. I look at Eli and tell him all the time "I grew you!"
When we were in the delivery room and I was experiencing the most excruciating pain of my life I kept thinking I would never do this again. I told Milan we were adopting baby #2 or Eli was going to end up being an only child. In the haze of the moment I do remember Alicia telling Milan that I won't remember any of this and that I will do it again. I can remember wanting to scream at her. What does she know? She's not doing this I am! I will most certainly remember this pain! Now that 7 weeks have passed I can honestly admit I can't remember the pain at all. I try to conjure up the feelings in my mind and take myself back to those moments and they are gone. I can see myself behaving in reaction to the pain but I truly can't "feel" anymore. It feels like I dreamt it all. If Eli wasn't living proof I'd swear it was a dream. It is truly amazing that our mind and our body work together in the way that they do.
I overheard Milan on the phone one day telling someone I delivered Eli without meds. The person on the other end asked him if I thought I was going to win an award for doing it that way. That comment has stuck with me for weeks. Is that how people were viewing my decision? What was I trying to accomplish? Why did I want to "go through that?" After much reflection I have finally come to the answer to these questions.
I did it this way because I could. I did it this way because it became a personal challenge. God created women to birth babies. We are physically and mentally prepared to do it. The problem is that over time we have been told we can't do it on our own. We are made to believe we are not strong enough to do it on our own. I believed that I could do it and wanted to prove it to myself. I had the belief that I could anything I set my mind to. I knew there was no reward and wasn't looking for one. I don't care what other people think of my choice. I did it for me and for Eli. Our mind and our bodies work together to make birth doable. My mind has released all the memory of pain so I can go on and have another baby. Now tell me we aren't all wired that way. We are if we believe in ourselves. I am so proud of myself for meeting the challenge and bringing my baby into this world in the most natural way possible. He wasn't exposed to any unnatural substances at all. I spent 9 months eating right and exercising so I would have a healthy baby. I felt I owed it to him to deliver him in the safest way possible as well.
I know that most of my friends who have had children did not birth their babies the same way as I did. Please know that just because I write about the wonders of my birth that I am in no way diminishing your decisions and your births. All of our babies are here and they are all healthy and happy. How we chose to get to that place is a personal decision. I just enjoy sharing my thoughts and feelings aloud. I can't wait to have another baby and experience what the second time around is going to be like. Oddly enough I can't wait to go through labor again and take on the challenge in a different way.
Don't worry Mom... it won't be anytime soon! I know I have my hands full right now! LOL :)
One thing they don't teach you in birth class is what to expect when you get home. No one tells you that you are going to sit in your rocking chair staring at your baby for hours only to look down and see your entire robe is soaking wet from tears of joy. No one tells you you are going to replay his birth 100 times a day trying to figure out if it really happened. No one tells you you are going to be hungry 24/7 and eat everything in sight because you are nursing your baby. No one tells you that there is not a right and wrong way to do things. I want there to be a how to manual for babies and yet I somehow manage to work things out on my own. No one tells you that you fall in love with your husband all over again. No one tells you that you will cry for no reason at all or for every reason imaginable. No one tells you that you will lie awake at night staring at your baby even though you are dead tired. No one tells you that you can live on 3 hours or less of sleep and still wake up smiling. The one thing people do tell you is that a baby will change your life forever.
Our lives have changed so much over the past 7 weeks. Both of us have had to learn to slow down. You don't realize how you are always in a hurry until a baby comes along. Now I have to pack the diaper bag, put him in his car seat, bring everything out to the car, get in the car, get to the store, take everything out of the car, shop, get back in the car, squeeze in a feeding and a diaper change, drive home, and do it all over again. There are no more quick trips to the store. I am slowly learning to love the pace and not worry about how long it is taking to accomplish things. Milan is learning to come home from work and put his computer down. He is learning how to sit in a quiet room with the baby and just "be". He is learning to be patient. It is amazing with all the small stresses of our new life that we both manage to walk around humming nursery rhymes while smiling at Eli all the time. We so often glance over at each other and exchange warm smiles knowing the other person is thinking and feeling the same things. We are in such awe of this new little person and so amazed that he is ours. I look at Eli and tell him all the time "I grew you!"
When we were in the delivery room and I was experiencing the most excruciating pain of my life I kept thinking I would never do this again. I told Milan we were adopting baby #2 or Eli was going to end up being an only child. In the haze of the moment I do remember Alicia telling Milan that I won't remember any of this and that I will do it again. I can remember wanting to scream at her. What does she know? She's not doing this I am! I will most certainly remember this pain! Now that 7 weeks have passed I can honestly admit I can't remember the pain at all. I try to conjure up the feelings in my mind and take myself back to those moments and they are gone. I can see myself behaving in reaction to the pain but I truly can't "feel" anymore. It feels like I dreamt it all. If Eli wasn't living proof I'd swear it was a dream. It is truly amazing that our mind and our body work together in the way that they do.
I overheard Milan on the phone one day telling someone I delivered Eli without meds. The person on the other end asked him if I thought I was going to win an award for doing it that way. That comment has stuck with me for weeks. Is that how people were viewing my decision? What was I trying to accomplish? Why did I want to "go through that?" After much reflection I have finally come to the answer to these questions.
I did it this way because I could. I did it this way because it became a personal challenge. God created women to birth babies. We are physically and mentally prepared to do it. The problem is that over time we have been told we can't do it on our own. We are made to believe we are not strong enough to do it on our own. I believed that I could do it and wanted to prove it to myself. I had the belief that I could anything I set my mind to. I knew there was no reward and wasn't looking for one. I don't care what other people think of my choice. I did it for me and for Eli. Our mind and our bodies work together to make birth doable. My mind has released all the memory of pain so I can go on and have another baby. Now tell me we aren't all wired that way. We are if we believe in ourselves. I am so proud of myself for meeting the challenge and bringing my baby into this world in the most natural way possible. He wasn't exposed to any unnatural substances at all. I spent 9 months eating right and exercising so I would have a healthy baby. I felt I owed it to him to deliver him in the safest way possible as well.
I know that most of my friends who have had children did not birth their babies the same way as I did. Please know that just because I write about the wonders of my birth that I am in no way diminishing your decisions and your births. All of our babies are here and they are all healthy and happy. How we chose to get to that place is a personal decision. I just enjoy sharing my thoughts and feelings aloud. I can't wait to have another baby and experience what the second time around is going to be like. Oddly enough I can't wait to go through labor again and take on the challenge in a different way.
Don't worry Mom... it won't be anytime soon! I know I have my hands full right now! LOL :)
2 comments:
It is an amazing experience isn't it! And as far as no meds, I didn't have them either and guess what, I wasn't trying to impress anyone...just didn't have them. enjoy each and every minute of that beautiful boy! He will grow so fast!!
I'm proud of you for doing what was right for you- that's what matters! Can you believe how much these boys have changed our lives?! LOve you!
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