Two blog entries in one day! Wow! I amaze myself now that I have all this time on my hands. Ha ha! Eli is taking nap number two as I type. It has been 45 minutes already so we shall see how long this one will be. I do have to add though that it was quite a struggle getting him down this time. The boy fights sleep like nothing I have ever seen before. I guess he thinks he’s going to miss something.
In the wee hours of the night I have found myself thinking about all kinds of things. One of which is why on earth doesn’t my baby want to sleep? I have replayed Eli’s little life over and over in my mind and couldn’t put my finger on why things had changed. While he has never been a good sleeper he at least slept for a few hours at a time without stirring. Then suddenly one day it just stopped. But why? What happened?
Let’s take a little stroll down memory lane. Before Eli was born Milan and I discussed co-sleeping and bed sharing. We agreed on co-sleeping with Eli (he’d be in his pack n play in our room). In my mind I would have liked for him to sleep with us but I didn’t want marital conflict so I didn’t pursue it. When we were in the hospital with Eli the first thing Milan did was put Eli on his chest to sleep. When he wasn’t there he was in bed with me. Eli didn’t sleep in the little plastic bed thing at all. When we got home with our little guy (who was already throwing up a lot) Milan and I didn’t even discuss where Eli was going to sleep. He went right into bed with us. There was no way I was going to let him be 2 feet away from me because I just knew he was going to choke on spit up. It was as if Eli had always been there. It took no adjusting what-so-ever and Milan quickly admitted to how much he enjoyed having Eli so close. See sometimes it pays off to let men realize on their own what you knew all along. Anyway…
Sometime around 3 months Eli started napping in his crib. I would put him in there to play while I did laundry and he loved it right away. I had heard such horror stories about babies who wouldn’t transition to their cribs so I was pleasantly surprised he adjusted so quickly. I don’t know how long after that but sometime during the fourth month we tried putting Eli down for bed in his crib. Like magic he went right to sleep after a little rocking in the chair. The first night it happened Milan and I looked at each other and agreed we missed him. We were so used to him being with us. Of course we were totally glued to the monitor. This all sounds so sweet and pleasant doesn’t it? Can’t you just picture us laying on the couch cuddling for the first time in forever while our sweet baby dreamed in the other room? Yah, that sounds nice but it didn’t exactly go like that. It went more like this.
After 40 minutes Eli woke up screaming. It would take 15 minutes to get him settled and then he would wake up again 40 minutes later. After the second round of this we would just bring him to bed with us. During the day at naptime the exact same thing would happen. Only this time there was no getting him back to sleep. So the cycle began. The sleep books will tell you that good naps=good nighttime sleep. This is so true! We were now in this vicious cycle of bad sleep. This is when I start reading, reading, and reading. Surely I am doing something wrong.
Step 1. Cry it out. That didn’t work so I quit after 4 very long torturous days. Step 2. Keep him in his crib all night but tend to him when he cries. That worked a little. The problem with this plan was the fact that I had to go up and down the stairs 10 times a night. Just as I fell asleep he would wake back up crying. Step 2 went on like this for about 2 weeks until I was completely exhausted and so was Eli. Let me just say that I know what you Moms out there are thinking. You are saying… I wonder if she had the room dark enough- yes I did. I wonder if she had womb like sounds playing- yes I did. I wonder if she gave him a lovie to cuddle- yes I did. I wonder if she gave him some solids before bed to fill his tummy- yes I did. I also know many people are thinking “if Jen hadn’t had Eli in bed with them in the first place this wouldn’t be happening.” I have to admit that thought crossed my mind. What if we hadn’t put Eli in bed with us? While pondering that question was a waste of time since what was done was done I still pondered anyway. I’m glad I pondered because my pondering led me to figuring out what my sleep philosophy is.
If you spend any time reading about cultures other than our own you will quickly find huge differences in the way Americans raise their babies. We are quick to force them into growing up and becoming independent. It starts as early as birth when we suddenly believe a newborn should be taught to sleep independently in their own space. We are sending the message “you can be near me so I am there if you need me but you can’t be right next to me in my bed because it is uncomfortable for Mom and Dad and you just might make a habit out of it.” Why are we so quick to rush our babies into sleeping through the night? I can only come up with one answer- because we don’t want our own sleep to be interrupted. We want our sleep to be a glorious 8 uninterrupted hours like it used to be before the baby came along. So many people warn new parents about the lack of sleep they will be getting with a new baby. You go into parenthood already worried about not sleeping at night. So what do most moms do? They look for help in a book. In my quest for sleep help I found far more books on how to schedule your baby and teach him how to sleep on his own than I did on how to nurture your baby’s needs throughout the night. Then I came across an old book by Dr. Sears (it was one of his way earlier books) called Nighttime Parenting. Not once has anyone who offered advice to me said anything that sounded so positive about sleep. Nighttime Parenting. Think about that. Most of us assume that nighttime is when the house shuts down and we get to hang up our parenting shoes until morning. I know that there are plenty of babies out there who do take to a schedule quickly and go to sleep like an angel without much effort but I also know that there has to be a lot of babies out there like Eli.
It occurred to me one day that the reason Moms who brag about their sleeping angels get so much enjoyment out of being able to brag on their little sleepers is because it is not normal. It’s as if they know they have won a prize by getting a good sleeper so they feel like they want to shout it out to the world. Trust me, if I had a baby like that you’d be sure to overhear me bragging in the grocery line to other moms. The type A in me would have paid someone to come to my house and make a schedule work. But the fact of the matter is I don’t have a good sleeper. So I can spend my days and nights stressed about it or I can be proactive and figure out what is going to work for our family.
Step 1. Think more positively. My mantra was “Tomorrow is a new day. I will wake up happy no matter what happened during the night. I will not stare at the clock and I will not stress about how many hours of sleep I did or did not get.”
Step 2. Work on naps and forget about bedtime for now. I will stay home all day everyday until we establish a comfortable nap routine.
Step 3. Bring Eli back into our bed for the entire night.
It is unbelievable how quickly our sleep changed. The minute I brought Eli back to our bed he went back to his old sleep habits. Milan started putting Eli down at night in our bed and suddenly the 40 minutes later wake up screaming routine stopped. His nighttime waking went from 5-8 times to 3-4 times. Instead of waking up and looking for us he woke up to eat and went right back to sleep. I started getting a very good restful night of sleep for several reasons. 1. I wasn’t staring at the monitor anymore. 2. Eli wasn’t waking up constantly and 3. We were all back in sync with each other. This has been going on now for about 2 weeks and Eli and I are changed people. Both of us got rid of the bags under our eyes, we are both caught up on much needed sleep, and as a result Eli is taking long restful daytime naps. The books are right about one thing. Good naps do equal good sleep at night.
So what is my philosophy? I truly believe that bed sharing is the right thing for our family. Shame on me for thinking Eli should be sleeping in his crib. This is what I mean by saying we Americans do things and think differently than so many other cultures. Bed sharing is the common thing to do in other countries. Why is that though? I don’t know exactly but I can guess. It is because it feels right. For whatever reason other cultures do not think as negatively about sleep. They don’t concern themselves with decorating nurseries and rushing their babies to sleep through the night. We get so much pressure from other people by hearing their negative stories about kids who are 8 years old and still crawling into bed with their parents at night. Let me ask you this. Why is it ok for married adults to share a bed with each other but children should sleep alone? Why is it ok for us to find comfort in having someone warm next us but it’s not ok for a baby or a child? Why do we expect our parenting job to end at a certain time at night and then get frustrated when our children call out for us and interrupt our glorious sleep? I think it is because we have too much pressure on us as a society to do what is the norm. We worry too much about what others think and what they will say about our parenting choices.
I am well aware as these months fly by that Eli is only going to be itty bitty for a short time. Instead of waking up groggy and cranky I wake up now thinking that our time together in the middle of the night is a blessing. It is more time for us to cuddle and bond as a family. I feel bad for Milan that his sleep is interrupted since he works such long days but he too enjoys his time with Eli at night. Eli knows that Milan and I are right there next to him while he sleeps. Our warmth is his blanket of security and love that I believe is helping him grow into an independent little boy.
Life is too short to be stressed out about things that are going to change as your children grow. I have learned it is so important to embrace the phase and work through it as smoothly as possible. I realized I was fighting a no win battle. So rather than fight the sleep battle I embraced it. I don’t see Eli wanting to sleep with us as a tool of manipulation. Eli slept in his warm and cozy womb for 9 months right next my heart and lungs. When he was born he went straight to my chest to nurse and right into a baby carrier so he could continue to grow next to my heart. I don’t know why I felt the need to change what was obviously working. I guess it was the feeling of confirming to society. Put your baby into the crib. Isn’t that the rule? Just like with my birth I realized I don’t do well with rules and conforming to what is the norm.
The best part of this sleeping arrangement is Milan also benefits from it. He gets the opportunity to share his sleep space with Eli. Eli not only sleeps with his Mama’s heartbeat nearby but with his Tata’s as well. We all snuggle and cuddle and embrace the family bed as our place to find peace and relaxation at the end of a long day. These are moments I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Thank God for a king size bed!
